Success!

As expected, my baby did wonderfully during her weekend with grandma. Aside from an over-tired fit the first night, she went to sleep easily, napped, and started army-crawling more consistently.

Unexpectedly, I also did well this weekend! I only cried for the 30 minute trip back to Dallas from Ft. Worth where I dropped her off. Then I immediately went to dinner, had a glass of wine, and remembered what it's like to have adult conversation.

I may have insisted on way too many pictures, and I had hourly updates via text, but by the end of the three days, I realized that both of us had survived relatively unscathed, and it felt good to have some time to focus on my husband a little bit.

Not to mention the lectures helped remind me of why I do what I do, and why I am pushing forward on my path. I love science, particularly medicine, and was kind of geeking out all weekend.

Also, Red Duke was there, and I got to hear him speak, and I was pretty much giddy after that. I watched him on TV in high school and had a nerd-crush. Such a cool guy and definitely someone I look up to, both clinically and as an amazing, humble leader in EMS.

So the weekend away is over, and I'm happy I did it, but I'm glad to be back with my baby. And she gave me a big smile and some awesome baby kisses when she saw me!

In Sickness and In Health

I feel like some of the qualities that make me a decent medic are the same ones that make me a decent photographer.

One of those is a strong sense of empathy, and another is a keen awareness of nonverbal means of communication. Both are useful in reading patients to help coax out "what is really wrong," and when it comes to photography, they're useful in determining how I frame a photo, or what I can do to use the light to accent an emotion or feeling.

When I was at work the other day, I desperately wished I had my camera with me- no, not a good MVC, nothing bloody or gory, but something that helped me remember why I do this job.

I was on my way through the hospital pushing a stretcher. As I walked by a patient room, I glanced in an saw an elderly couple- the husband in the hospital bed receiving a breathing treatment, the wife standing by his side. The couple was probably in their mid seventies.

What happened next was simple, but represents so much, and admittedly made me tear up a little. The wife leaned over and gently kissed her husband on the head as she stroked his face, then just rested her head on top of his, eyes closed, as she held him close.

In my experience, it's rare that older couples demonstrate affection where I am present to witness it. I was lucky to glance in on a private moment, and it was absolutely refreshing to see such love and compassion in this couple.

I instantly felt the wife's fear and anxiety for the health of her husband, her comforting instinct, and her desire to make her husband feel better, and at the same time, it reminded me of my own love I have for my husband and family.

I wanted my camera because it's a moment I wish I could have captured to share. The rush of emotions that came with that moment was bittersweet, but one that reminded me that my job is to help people- humans, with a need for compassion-through these events. And to fix what I can in the process.

Should I stay or should I go...

Well, it's the week my baby turns 7 months old and a week I have been anticipating for a while, because it's also the week that my baby girl is supposed to go stay with grandma and grandpa for a few days so mom&dad can attend a conference for a few days in a city that's about an hour and a half away.

I have left my baby overnight with my husband- I have to once a week for work. But he usually brings her to see me on shift, and I get to nurse her and cuddle and love on her. I haven't left her with anyone else for that long, and not that far away either.

This is an annual conference, and I usually love going. But this year I just can't get excited about it. I am petrified to leave my baby. I think if she would sleep in a pack and play things would be easier, but I don't know what is going to happen while I am gone.

Over paranoid? Probably. Definitely paranoid about some things. I have been worried about entirely too much, like what will happen if the breastmilk I will take up there thaws on the way. Or what happens if I forget to pump, or what happens if my mom (who, by the way, successfully raised all four of me and my sibs) doesn't know what to do?

This is clearly the emotional side of me just being anxious. And while google says its normal for moms to have separation anxiety, that doesn't make it feel any better.

Noodles

My baby is an explorer. She loves to investigate her surroundings- sights, smells, tastes, textures... And it's all explored with her mouth as well as her hands.

The thing about my little explorer is that she ends up messy- covered in dirt or drool or food. Now I'm not at all opposed to dirty children- those are the ones who are burning off energy or learning something or generally having fun being kids. And that is awesome.

What I am less excited about is when, unbeknown to me, I am also covered in whatever my daughter is into. Furthermore, this usually happens instantaneously. Before I even see her getting into something, we are both covered in it. It's like some sort of baby superpower or something.

So, today, I was out at an Asian restaurant and had a vermicelli bowl. Baby was fussy and sitting in my lap playing with a toy, when suddenly I'm covered in noodles. So is the baby, and she has them all over her face an in her mouth. She was thoroughly enjoying the texture and apparently the taste of the sticky, squishy rice noodles. Instantaneous mess, I swear! And it's not like I didn't have my eye on her- I had my arms around her and she had a toy. Then I hear the toy hit the floor and the fistfuls of noodles are everywhere.

Secretly, though, I didn't mind it :). Covered in noodles and smelling like Asian food, I loved watching the smile on her face when she was flinging those noodles. Amazing to watch the baby so excited about something so simple just made my day :).

Pumping

Every day that I work, I am married to my pump. I wake up 2hrs and 15 minutes before shift change. I pump, get dressed, shower if I didn't shower the night before, get my lunch packed, get the baby's bag packed, get the baby dressed, and get the baby off to daycare. Then, as soon as I get to work, it's almost time to pump again.

Every three hours, I have found, is what works best for me. So every three hours I go out to the truck and sit for 15 minutes and pump.

I spend an hour and 15 minutes each day attached to the pump, looking at pictures or watching videos of my baby girl. I am reminded constantly of how much I miss her!

But, I also remind myself that I work for sanity and for luxury- after all, I want to take my baby girl shopping in Paris someday, and if I stayed at home that wouldn't happen. I would probably also go nuts if I didn't have a job to go to.

So, I pump. And think fondly of Paris...

Rule Breaker

I am a mommy rule breaker. My 6 month old has eaten cupcakes and tasted vinegar, I nurse her all night long in the bed we share, and i keep her in my arms nearly all the time.

And I'm proud of it.

I took my baby to the doctor yesterday for her 6 month checkup. Her pediatrician asked about all the milestones- is she rolling, reaching, grabbing, scootching. She also asked about sleep habits and if she's sleeping through the night.

Uh, what? My daughter sleep through the night? You're kidding right?

Apparently my daughter "weighs enough" that she should be sleeping through the night, and if she isn't, perhaps it's how we have taken to soothing her...

Right, so now I'm the bad guy, ruining my baby by allowing her to nurse all night long.

So for those of you who are fans of Dr. Sears, perhaps you are familiar with the concept of the "high needs infant.". My daughter is one of these- always wants to be held, wants to be close to mom, want to nurse all night long, and are quite vocal about having their needs met RIGHT NOW. Patience is not something these young ones have learned...

What's the solution, according to Dr. Sears? Deal with it as best I can, and cherish the fact that there is someone who loves me so much that she just can't live without me. So, I will keep breaking the rules and keep giving her what she needs, and for the most part what she wants, be it cupcakes or an all night boobie buffet, in hopes that I will see the benefits of a high needs infant- that of a confident, passionate, and determined young adult.